Question: What nudged me toward this fresh a-ha? This pithy epiphany yet unfolding?
Answer: The dreaded process of downsizing.
Being forced by depressing circumstances to sell our home – find something within these dwindling means.
For many reasons, it makes sense.
Kids grown and very recently three of five out of the nest for good
(or so I think).
Big house and yard need extensive energy-time;
so much long tolerated in “not-up-to-our-standards” disrepair.
Been oh-so-stressed trying to manage and appreciate
being oh-so-blessed with our big, beautiful home on Osprey Lane.
But…. OHHHHH, have I resisted!
Pouted. Pretended, poo-poo’d, paced and postponed.
Yes, it’s the right thing. Must reconfigure reality.
But such radical change comes with jagged edgy anxiety,
bitterness, grief, shame, disgust.
Avoid avoid avoid.
Spend days with my laptop in bookstores and coffee shops-
the mission of redefining the “stuff” of life out of view.
Take the long way home.
And, swirling in viscosity, spiraling in the cyclone,
endlessly berating myself for indulging
in self-pity, wallowing in pathetic paralysis.
Still…. can’t deny, pity-party or avoid our way out of this.
Gotta wade through the resentment reel ranting
acknowledge the stress in my left jaw popping,
right eye twitching,
the abyss of my gut churning.
Tick tock,the inevitable looms large – targeted closing date nears.
But. I. just. CAN’T. seem. to. move. into. the. reality.
of.this. impending. MOVE.
CANNOT. make. myself.
Do. not. know. where. we’re. going.
Where oh where will we land?
Whoa. whoa whoa.
Will we land?
House hunting – ugamug.
Months scouring listings, open houses,
the promise of pretty pictures and glowing words
followed by real time walkthrough disillusion and dismay.
Again and again, figuring out how to re-structure from sprawling quad level to…
whichever disappointing new option is temporarily deemed potentially worthy.
All the while continuing the search,
lest the real, right new place
not only a house – our home
might magically appear,
just. in. time.
Less. Less. Less.
And, 3 weeks prior to large loom closing and occupancy day, we find it –
Space that has the energy, the light, the yard,
Space ranking higher than “I guess we can make do” –
Space that holds hope and clarity of vision.
After months of angst, we finally have dedicated, tangible –
a home place to continue the day to day of our lives,
to finagle the “from – to” debacle,
informed by dimensional and logistical whatnot and what to.
Sigh with me now
a hearty, extended exhale releasing all the doom-gloom dread
pent up in so much unknown…..
My oh my.
Up next: Countdown (or Meltdown?)